Messengers

These pains you feel are messengers. Listen to them.

Rumi

“I don’t love you. I don’t think we should be together.”

Sharp. Clear. The words kept echoing in her head.

She had been through it all. Three years. Every situation played over and over in her head. She thought about everything she could have done differently. She had tried so hard to fix this. She pleaded desperately. She cried. She did things to please him. She changed everything about her. But, there it was. Plain as daylight, all the broken pieces of her and her heart.

The pain was excruciating in the beginning. Then it mellowed down with time. Bittersweet, existing in memories. Sporadic in reminders and making its presence felt through places, situations and songs.

She started listening to her pain. She looked at all her broken pieces. She decided to put herself back together again. One piece at a time. She didn’t know where to start or even how long this whole process was going to take. Was there a way to do this? There was no real map. Self-help books, therapy – she tried it all. But, there is no formula to cure the pain. one just had to find what works for their soul.

She started with the one that screamed the loudest. The pain that gave her nightmares, kept her awake. The one that made her scream in agony. The feeling that she was not good enough, unworthy of being loved, desired and she had failed. She had to deal with that.

She started doing things that she loved. she had forgotten what that was too. Like she had forgotten a part of herself. She started nonetheless. Healing happened with the little things. Walking barefoot on the morning grass. Going to the beach. Listening to her favorite songs. Dancing. Lots of dancing when no one is watching. Books. She loved the smell of them. She got more of them.

She started listening to her heart. The pain. She didn’t repress it or hide away under the pretense of strength. She was no longer afraid of the pain. Or of being vulnerable. She felt it. She listened to it. She allowed it to flow. She did what she could to heal it.

The messengers took her to some deep, dark forgotten corners. Old fears were confronted. Everything gets better with love. She started tearing down the walls she had built. Family, friends – people started coming in. She allowed herself to feel joy.

The broken pieces will come together someday, she tells herself. Just follow the messengers of pain.

1 Comment

  1. Hi Anusha, I liked your Messengers, Letter to the ones coping, Chewing gum, Letter to my 18year old self. As a writer you are amazing. Words are not enough to express the feelings of heart….. I’m sure your heart, brain,hand and of course your pen know some magic ! Because your writings are a kind of healing. Thank you so much and waiting for your next super healing stuffs. Keep going 🙂

    Like

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