What do I write about that has not already been articulated better?
It’s been over a month since I have found myself confined to my home.
Things I have not succumbed to include:
- Baking banana bread
- Taking on a TikTok dance challenge
- Completing an online course
- Doing something that can be considered productive
Instead, on most days, I find myself doing the following:
- Working longer hours in a work from home situation
- Cooking to avoid starvation
- Doing dishes
- Repeating the above two tasks 4-5 times a day
- Lying on my couch gripped in anxiety
- Crying for no apparent reason
- Feeling cycles of emotions ranging from anger to acceptance to numbness
- Unable to sleep
I find myself feeling anger towards those who have the means to survive the economic aftermath of this pandemic. I do acknowledge my privilege but this one’s going to be a tough one. I’m not essential services. So, I have been questioning my life’s worth and purpose in the larger scheme of things. I’m but a mere dispensable cog in the machinery of capitalism. My worth has been reduced to the paycheque figure in an excel sheet.
My possibilities diminished and at the mercy of economic powers that are greater than my potentials and dreams.
Every night, I list out things I’m grateful for. during the day though, all my demons present themselves before me. They refuse to go away. After a month, I would like to believe I have not just acknowledged them but befriended them. I have learnt to be more kind and generous to myself. To let go, to be okay with being vulnerable and just accept me – flaws and all. It’s easier said than done. Thank god for friends and family who make this a tad easier.
I haven’t updated this blog in ages. I have made all excuses – from not having time, to not being inspired, to even being absolutely lazy. The truth though was that I was afraid of putting myself out there. My relationship with words had been impacted by the fear of my thoughts and words being judged. So deep was this fear, that I stopped writing altogether.
My great pandemic reset has been to fix my relationship with me. To heal and to love – without expectations and judgement. To be okay with my whole range of emotions and not restrict myself to just joy or pain. To be hopeful – because hope coupled with love is a beautiful thing. It’s what makes everything in life worth living.
I don’t have answers to anything this new normal or the near future holds for me or any of us. I’m just here on this journey, taking each day as it comes.
For this brief moment though, I have chosen to reset my own life and also this blog.
Ramblings of Anusha 